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March 26th, 2010
10:13 am - i'm wearing tiny panties ..and a short skirt!
what a hot ass way to start a cold brisk day!! meow ~~~
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November 16th, 2009
10:18 am - my little Europa
Sarah and Athena and Amber are three amoung the amazing women in my life. They are incredibly caring, have vast relationship knowledge, are deeply empathetic, and are oodles smart with high EQ’s, my biggest lifesavers this year to which I am deeply grateful to have them for council and balance esp. when I think things that need reminding of why I have acted like I have, and why this is path is best. Mind you they don’t give me free pass cards, no way, just grounding and gentle reminders of why…ok that’s not true either they can be fierce as well in their reminders! And I need that esp. due to my glossing over lately and taking full blame for things.
Did market with Sarah and Athena Saturday after a very touching morning with Athena where she stroked my head on her lap and held me while I wept and told me how she admires the depths to which I traverse in order to know myself. The friendship I have with her is so special in how we support one another I can only hope more women develop such relationships. I of course feel little admiration for myself right now, if anything I feel shameful and am horrified for how I have behaved with regard to the patterns I have repeated this year with the two men I care deeply about and love.
Market was quiet for me today as I seem to be moving slower these days and not able to pick up the pace which might be my body finally telling me to listen to all the signs around me and slow down. I am listening and accepting.
After market where I had a close run in with a bird in Shed #3 where I felt the wind from it flying so close to me head move my hair. Sarah even said it was very close and she saw my hair tussled about. It was too beautiful to not be outside but I was or am having a hard time with the ‘alone’ in public thing right now and have been for a few months, since about the end of September I think.
So I went to my roof for some sun time and to reflect and sit with myself. I laid out a blanket intending to hopefully take a nap, as that is often how I cope with stress but sleep did not want me. Instead I prayed on my intention for the coming week after a week of difficulty filled with much self-disgust and feelings of worthlessness.
As I lay there I had a feeling of how pathetic I am, with no will to go out and enjoy this day with others or even by myself. Instead I lay alone on my roof so I could at least feel the rays of sunshine on my skin and face. I was glad I gave myself that small gift. cuz oh how my soul needed that. Then I realized I need not feel bad, as this is what my soul needs no matter if I get lonely. This is part of my journey to understand my behaviors, my fears and my dreams as well because I feel they can not be realized as deeply from the fast pace of life and I have tended to keep a steep pace with many things to occupy my attention. I have been slowing this down since July too and happy I am.
I have brought situations upon myself and in order to emerge from this place I must travel alone for some time. Realizing that I do have Faith that there is a gift in this time even when I feel it painfully and have moments of meaninglessness and doubt and deep regret for the pain I have caused others.
“There’s no sensation to compare with this…..suspended animation..…a state of bliss (well maybe not bliss). Cant keep my eyes from the circling skies, tongue tied and twisted just an earth bound misfit, I”
After some time I craved the sound of church bells and sat up to try to get out of my funk and it was 2:59pm and I knew they would be starting soon! And they did from all corners of Hamtramck. Saint Florians was first, then Saint Lads where I volunteer and can see from my roof top perch.
About this time flocks of pigeons, 2 then 3 large groups of these graceful creatures started majestically gliding in unison over my building and surrounding area. This happened repeatedly for quite some time, their slowly dipping, and swaying and cresting this way, then turning and flapping and coasting away…only to return again with their shadows dancing across my notebook as little as five feet above me.
It was surreal in its beauty. I could tell when they were approaching from behind or my sides as I would hear the gentle flaps of their wings all in time with one another like a rhythm I have never heard before but fully understood it was the sound of warm air through the most delicate tines of their wings. My body shuttered as I felt this amazing gift from nature being given to me. Once and only once did I hear one of them lightly chirp as I looked up at them flying over me so close I felt I could have touched them.
After the ballet in flight left my sight I realized the church bells from unknown churches in the distance continued to chime. For ten full minutes just under the noise of the city with its horns and ho-low and drills and cars I could still hear the most peaceful of noises to my ears.
It was then I really realized that that is my favorite thing about this city Hamtramck, the sound of bells in worship to the heavens from all corners of my little Europa.
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November 13th, 2009
11:57 am - Can you tell i have been writing and now catching up??
November 7 2009
Meet sarah in the Market after wrangling koi and dogs on the island. She was with Lisa…we all chat and shop and then after Sarah and I decide to walk the Dejuindre Cut. And its still gorgeous outside..and as we approached the end we could see construction workers and I started to get worried as I could not exactly recall if Manuals place was directly at the end or not…well I tried not to get upset and asked if she minded if we go look and as we were heading there the field next to the workers was empty…my heart sunk until we come over the small hill and I could she his shack.
It is much smaller than last winter, like it had been torn down. He was not home. But his shopping cart was. I was so happy his place was still there I started to cry as we continued our walk. I asked if she was cool going around the block as I like to take new routes. And I am glad we did cuz a man was approaching us from down the second block and it ended up being Manual!
I spoke his name and asked if he remembered me. Mind you he speaks Spanish and damn it all to hell I have not yet learned to speak it so we have a language barrier. I speak to him about coming around again as the weather gets cold and ask about his shoes. He has on good boots! I tell him I will see him soon, he tells me ‘everyday’ I tell him we shall see. And he gives me a magazine he has in hands..its some ladies mag. I take his kind gesture and introduce him to Sarah and we part ways.
I was very happy to see him and he looked healthier than last year..but it was not winter yet and living in his shack esp in the worse condition it was in was sure to take its toll.
Spent the next few hours sharing life love and stories with Sarah who is a sage for her age and someone I am so grateful to have in my life…to be called her friend.
I am blessed with some amazing people in my life and I am so glad I now understand that I can call on them in my time of need, or when they call on me, to accept there love and support and challenges and pushing and listening and words and just no non-sense bull shit to help me to continue to become the person I know I can be. To each of them I am honored.
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11:55 am - How does Koi wrangling turn into stray dog wrangling ?
November 7, 2009
Go to the island to help wrangle koi for the pond between the aquarium and the conservatory. It’s a beautiful day on the island- so bright so sunny and even warm that close to the water. It’s a bit chaotic at first with people not knowing what is going on and wondering if there are waders’ and who will be going in. After some time I find a pair but I see the right one has a hole so I search out from the aquarium basement a bunch of garbage bags and layer them over both my socked feet and put them and decide to give it a go…it seemed to work!
I spent the next two hours chasing koi around the pond, I even caught Mo, the biggest fish by myself but no one had a tub ready..the sytem this year was a tad lacking at first. So it was a catch and release and you have to be real gentle with her cuz she is sooo big.
Me and some guys spent most the time cornering fish and catching them which worked out fairly well. After some time my feet got really really cold and I figured the wetness had soaked in..so I bailed out to find that my garbage bag wrap job was leak proof but that the boot was still filled with like 3 inches of water and my toes were numb.
I stuck to taking some pictures for Jennifer’s aquarium blog after that. (this is not it but its there Facebook page- http://www.facebook.com/pages/Detroit-MI/Belle-Isle-Aquarium/99216033742) I also decided to take a walk through the conservatory and found it especially warm and wonderful smelling in there! I took a few pix and chilled out by the Orchids on a bench until I saw two older ladies show up and I offered them a seat, they declined but I moved on.
I saw Vance and family on my way out, said my goodbyes and decided to head to market to meet Sarah. She is the best person to do with market with as the talks end up being so very thoughtful and therapeutic no matter the subject.
But before I headed off the island I wanted to swing by the north end as I had not been on the island since Sunday, August 23 and felt I needed to take a full tour. I paused near the light house parking area and texted myself a note. Then as I began to drive I saw two dogs crossing the street…then weave in and out of traffic. Oh boy I thought. I drove forward and they ran in front of my rental. I stopped got out and popped the trunk..and started to talk to them. They heard me and came over steering clear at the same time. And then all of a sudden over my right shoulder I hear a woman say ‘I have some dog food’ and she pours a bowl on the ground where I am kneeling and goes to get more..as the dogs dive in and start to devour the food. Second bowl is poured on the ground and as I am thinking to myself ‘do you just happen to have dog food in your car lady?’ I look up at her and its the woman from the conservatory who I offered the seat too and she says to me that she lives in Southfield or somewhere and her mother lives in Dearborn and every Saturday she picks her mother up and they come to the island to feed the strays that are abandoned there.
Holy shit an angel just graced my presence and she just walks away and comes back with 4 cans of wet food. And proceeds to open and give them to the dogs. She hands me a leash and tells me to try to catch one of the dogs. As one is letting me pet it by this time, the other one is all ‘fuck you lady-i know your game’ well if you know me I aint too hip on dogs though I have been thinking about them lately for some reason- actually got offered a place to live with really cheap rent if I cared for two dogs. And I have been getting in touch with dogs over the past 3 or so years.
Anyways I put the leash on the timid dog, she lets me then she slips out. Then we feed them more and pet the one and the lady is able to put the leash on correctly and I decided to put the dog in my rental..so she walked right into the car and I closed the leash in the door she didn’t tear my car up.
This lady and I are then deciding what to do with the other dog, only one leash. And she is telling me about a no kill shelter in Dearborn and a guy on the island who takes strays. I call vance tell him that I have a stray in my car and trying to figure out what to do with this other one..i tell him I asked someone to go to the island cop shop and tell them where we were. Did they go? Who knows. But he told me they don’t care. And I asked if he knew steve and he did and told me to come back to the aquarium.
Well do I leave this one dog, cuz they were for sure together. A team. Well the lady walked away for some reason and I started to talk to the skiddish dog and he let me start to pet him..on the head a bit..and then his neck and I continued to talk and told him who I was and that I was having a really tuff day and that I meant him and his friend no harm but that I was thankful to her for letting me help her and I told him me and …and I turned to the lady and asked her name Tina, that me and Tina just wanted to help and get them to a better place. And she is telling me to grab him and I told her no way.. and I just continued to talk to him and pet him and his back and asked him to let me help him, god I think in my head I was begging this animal to let me help him cuz I was feeling so bad.
And then the dog backed up and I figured he was gonna bolt and I felt defeated until he looked at me..and went over to my rental – looked at his buddy and climbed in.
I sense of relief came over my body as I gently shut the door. And told tina to meet me at the aquarium. There was a millisecond I must admit where I grabbed the door and thought of kujo and thought this is gonna suck if he gets mad at me but I got in and did so without fear. And much to my surprise that dog was so fucking happy. And he rode with his face next to mine almost the whole ride, tongue just a hanging out and looking at everything. Of course I snapped a bunch of pix as I could not beelieve it and the other dog was all calm and cool. I continued to talk to both of them the whole ride back even when the first road we took was blocked by a fallen tree and the short cut was no good!
Back at the aquarium a bunch of people came over to see and Steve was fetched but he could not help. Jennifer called “Almost Home” a no kill shelter in Southfield run by Gail and Leonard Schwarty but they were not taking. And Tina said she could lead me to the one in Dearborn as a bunch of women filled my car to play with the dogs! Then she just said to put the dogs in her car and she would do it. Amen…good idea. So a really big guy carried the pups from my rental her car and off they went. At this time we noticed the one on the leash has a cut on her neck under her chin where her collar was cutting in. I knew I had blood all over my hands but figured it was from Tina who cut herself on a can…poor puppy.
But at least tina was taking them to a safe place. Let me tell you I would have taken those dogs had I had a place big enough and a yard. They were so good and pleasant mannered once they got over there fears….(hmmm something to learn from them for sure!)
http://capzles.com/#/aa25ae91-d293-4d71-9d49-ef465e839572/ pix of the day
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11:49 am - Friday night 11-7-09.. a doozy
That night I was on my way to Union Street for Christophers (not Breedlove) birthday gathering and I dropped off soup and bread to four guys I meet on the street. And then after dinner I ran into Larry the 5gallon bucket drum guy- he is a regular in the Corridor. I told him we meet last winter at Avalon a few times, he remembered me. I told him I had no money but if he would like my leftover I would gladly give them to him..and I tried to remember what I had but completely space..and he was like ‘its all right-it will not go to waste’ I then ran to my rental and got him some canned chicken noodle soup and a loaf of bread.
I remember the first time I saw him a few years ago she scared me to be honest. He has a haggarded face and a mean scrowl and just looks angry. Well fuck he might be right. I am glad though that I have gotten over my fear of him and I really do like the fact he plays though 5gallon buckets even if they are loud as fuck and don’t have a great rhythm..who cares he is at least working at something and giving back in a way if you ask me.
Even later that Friday night…on way home I exit off of I75 at Holbrook and see a cop car pulled over to the left at the light talking to a person who I figure must have been beggin on the corner as its getting more and more regular in the past few weeks. I roll down my window to listen but cant really hear anything. The light turns red but they don’t pull away so I decide to pull in front of them and make a left in hopes that they will pull away, again they don’t. At this time I notice at this time it’s a woman so I want to wait for sure now.
I pull into the Coney, which btw has been celebrating it anniversary for like 3 months now…just take the banner down!..and I pull out the exit back onto Holbrook and wait for the cops to go away…its like 5 minutes before they do and I see this person coming toward me then notice there belongings at the light where they must have been begging. I pull up and flip a bitch and ask if she is hungry. She tells me yes and I hop out and pop the trunk and start to give her soup and bread…then she says to me..’I doubt it but area you going into Hamtramck?”, I tell her yes why..and she asked me for a ride. I ask her where to and just to the 75 service drive and Caniff…exactly the way I go home. I tell her to get in..and guess what…she got in the back seat too. WTF? Safer maybe?
We chat as I drive her. I ask her name, its Cheryl and I tell her mine. She asks if I am married, I swallow hard and tell her no. (a question I got asked a few times at the soup kitchen and like 5 times since over this last week…I never get asked that ? so why now?)
She then asks if I have babies..i look at her and gently shake my head. She tells me she an 8 year old and that she is 49 and she just got them a small place over in the projects on the other side of 75. I tell her I am proud of her and wish her well, she was proud too you could tell. She told me she will be looking out for me and will notice my hair …I told her I will be looking out for her as well…and I will be!
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11:48 am - Bomb Scare?
Friday on my way to work 11-6-09 I was running late as is par of the course..or mind you I just don’t worry when I go in…I just stay later if I am late..which is everyday. So anyways I came around off Cass to Third by the MGM Casino after going to Avalon for breakfast. And while there I decided to not use cash but debit my food, which I thought to myself was odd cuz if I have it I like to use it but not this day, I might need it.
Well fast forward to about 3 blocks from work and I see a rolling suitcase sitting on the curb unattended. I instantly thought of Europe where that shit don’t fly and they will shut down areas and call in the bomb unit..i remember when it happened at the Heathrow Airport when I was there in 92. Dumb ass American not getting why I was being pushed out of a store and having its doors slammed shut and being sectioned off to a secure area..i must have looked like an idiot cuz someone asked “You’re an American right?” I was like uh yea..and they explained there was unattended luggage found (most likely by and American!) and the airport went into crack down mode.
So yea I see this luggage…and I see a guy walk past as I drove up..he barely noticed it. i pull over cuz I see tags on it and then I see a woman walking up and I ask if it is hers. She tells me yes and then I see her grab it and continue to walk away. I start to drive away happy it has a home when I look back and see another piece of luggage on the road. She must have forgot it? I’m confused. I toss the car in reverse and ask her if she meant to leave that and she said she was going back for it.
You see she was walking half a block with half her luggage and going back getting the other pieces, of which she had 3, 2 on wheels one not and then repeating the whole thing over again. I asked her where she was going assuming she just got off Grayhound. she told me Ford Field..i did the map in my head and figured it would take her like 4 hours. I looked at her and motioned to the back seat and told her to throw her bags in and get in. She looked at me stunned but was happy to get in. Mind you she got in the back seat which I felt bad about but she was content with all her luggage.
She told me I must be a good church going lady because I was doing the work of god helping her out. Inside my head I told her I was the farthest thing for god but instead of telling her that I asked her name. It was Jean, I told her mine and we chatted while I drove her the bus station at Grand Circus Park, you know the one with the two statues of dead white guys. (Pingree being one of them)
She told me she came from Saginaw and seemed embarrassed. I asked if she was on the streets long, she told me no and was heading to a Shelter at 32 mile road..whoa quite a distance to travel but she seemed to know what she was doing. She told me she missed the bus and NSO shelter the night before and that it was expensive to get a lift from there back to grayhound to sleep.
I pulled over on the side of the ‘other dead white guy’ statue and a cop car pulled up right behind me. Too bad I thought I am getting out and put on my hazards, I motioned to them I would be a moment and unloaded Jeans belongings. I had also before I got out reaching in and got the cash from my bag that I had not used for some reason at Avalon and was so happy that I had not as I realized why. We hugged goodbye on the curb and I tugged the money into her hand. She looked at me with such gratitude and tried to give it back, no luck Ms. Jean and I wished her good luck as she thanked me and blessed me…she thanked me and blessed me. hmm cant say i dont need it.
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11:46 am - St. Lads Soup Kitchen - November 5, 2009
St. Lads Soup Kitchen
Started volunteering at St. Lads soup kitchen in Hamtramck last Thursday because I figured if they contacted me to give me all the left over loaves of bread from their weekly kitchen the least I could do was offer to help them.
I had found out through Amber at work that our job actually offers 16 hours of community service a year…BUT no one tells you about it …somehow she learned and told me so of course I jumped on board and since St. Lads had just hit me up .. I filled out my application with there info and asked to have the 16 hours split into 3 hour increments. So I leave work at 1pm covering me from 1 to 4pm when I leave work so I can have 5 Thursdays to be at the church kitchen at 1:30pm to help prep the food. Which they do pretty much all from scratch.
Mind you that was not a great day to start cuz I was an emotional fucking basket case but I told them I would be there and I planned on not letting them down…trying not to let everyone down in my life right! (oh self floggin.)
Well I got there and the lady who contacted me Donna was not going to be there and I was told to ask for Pat. There was a room full of ladies in there 50’s 60’s and 70’s all bustling around preparing food cutting veggies, sorting bread (omg the amount of bread donated by a bakery on Mc Nichols is amazing), cooking soups and hams and pork chops and oi
I was introduced to everyone and promptly forgot every name except the two Pats. And was put to work making ..no joke..coffee. I tried to explain to them I do not drink coffee but they had a new machine and no one wanted to learn it….yea.. ok. I asked if people liked it light or strong…and I instantly realized by all the answers I got that no one in this room agrees on anything…and I have a feeling that happens often. A little old lady who kinda reminds me of my maternal grandmother told me to make it so she can see the bottom of the cup..that confused me…what the hell kind of cofffe is that...So as you can guess I made coffee too strong! And Sophie, I did remember her name, gave me a hard time and told me I might not be welcomed back. I was told to ignore she cuz she harasses everyone. I gathered that very quickly and looked forward to seeing how she operates.
I was put to work cutting pies, peeling taters, and a bunch of other stuff I cant recall all the while suffering from a UTI that decided to start on my way walking there and I had no Azo Standard on me..ie..i was in a mess of pain and had to excuse myself like 10 times to the bathroom to either cry or try to pee…tmi..i know -whatever .
The doors opened at 4pm…and the people piled in. we served baked ham, boiled potatoe, salad, soup, bread and pie ..oh and milk…quite a bit of food. And open to anyone who needs a meal not just homeless folks. Most the people were white but you tell they were not recent immigrants nor where they from the eastern block as the poles have a certain look to them from that area. But all were polite and thankful. One guy got out of hand and the priest had to have a talk with him.
Everyone was allowed to take 3 loaves of bread or 2 depending on who you asked. And that is par for the course there I figured out quickly too. One person tells you do something one way and 30 seconds later another is telling your wrong and do it another way..it was confusing to say the least and in my fragile state oh my god..but it was funny too like a Laural and Hardy skit. (part of me wonders why I wrote that and not Abbot and Costello cuz I liked them as a kid and L&H..i disliked the fat guy cuz he was soo mean to the little guy- but I really liked Costello the chubby guy and not Abbot the skinny mean guy..hmm wonder if they changed it up on purpose so as not to seem too much like L&H..or I am thinking about stupid stuff right now for no reason…ok shut up!)
So yea 50+ people came through..all have to sign in before they get food, sometimes they can get two servings. The kitchen is only open til 5:30 used to be 6pm but with it getting dark they changed it. At the end I went to get my rental cuz they had a ton of bread to give me and Pat had taken me into the store room and gave me like 48 cans of chicken of soup. All of which I gave out over the last week and ran out Tuesday, good timing.
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11:44 am - Using Facebook Mobile and Twitter to my advantage
Using Facebook Mobile and Twitter to my advantage..something good can come from them.
I think it was last month I set up my mobile accounts so I could upload from my celly to these two social networking sites…and no not so I can tell you what I had for lunch or what the woman in front of me at Kmart is wearing (is Kmart still around?- couldn’t think of a store..not much of a shopper)
But instead I figured since this year I don’t have a partner in crime to take to the streets with like I did last year and getting people to come on a whim is not easy to do…hard enuf to know when I am going to do it ..or I do it directly after work now cuz its dark so soon. (talk about the dark later oi)
So I set it up cuz I was going to meet a guy named Neil who read about me in the Hamtramck Review section of “get to know your neighbor” where they highlighted the homeless work I do. So along with St. Lads he wrote to the email in the article (doxiedetroit@gmail.com) to contact me.
This guy has a house in Hamtramck that is getting foreclosed but his friend who lived there had a ton of XL and XXL men’s clothes. He told me the day he would be there and I told him I would meet him. Then the am I brave or stupid gene kicked in and I realized I don’t really have anyone to get my back on this….so I signed up for mobile uploads. Posted the address I was going to and went.
The house was tore the fuck up, in various stages of construction. But I did not sense anything wrong so I went in …we chatted for what was quite a long time and we went through the clothes and bedding and I felt my celly go of a few times but felt safe.
Then he asked if I normally do what I did today by going to strangers places..and I admitted to him that I do not and that I set up a mobile thing-a-ma-bob on Facebook, he didn’t know what it was I was not able to explain well enough…telling people what I was doing and that is why my cell phone was going off. And that I needed to check in. I took a call from Christopher telling him I was ok and would be out soon. We loaded my Mimi (oh how i miss her) with stuff and continued to talk outside. I could see Gypsy had called and texted as well as Sputnik and another friend.
I knew I was past due for checking in..so I bid my adieu and texted the troops. I guess I didn’t realize that people were actually watching and timing me…but I am very grateful that they were. Gypsy was ready to call the cops and come looking for me. (thanks doll!)
Neil was very nice, he was out of work and had hoped to get into fixing and renting then the bust happened. He will be starting school in February to work on Wind Turbines to get in on the new industry. I told him about my friend Paul Masters who does that same thing and makes bucks…and was in Alaska all summer installing them and sending me pic from 300 feet in the air on them…scary..and cold.
It was a pleasure to meet Neil and I am thankful for all the large clothes as those are the hardest to come by. He wrote me an email the week MiMi was stolen to give me another address on Evaline where he left another page of clothes on the porch for me. I retrieved them just last week after all the car drama and pulling my brain out of my ass and getting back to the project.
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October 8th, 2008
10:37 am - crack whores, highway men and wasabi crepes
yesterday a was a great day and i did soo little! i actually stayed home last night and made myself dinner, wrote a massive email to an amazing human (and god there are so many in my life) and went to bed early...after a day of getting to work early and then trying to go to lunch with a gf who i used to work for when i was at the DIA.. our date was planned at a New Japanese place called Wasabi next to the DIA on Woodward.
so.. i left my lights on and killed my battery...opps had to cancel lunch so i called my gf made plans for Friday then actually got a jump from someone at work...and get this the door handle on mimi has finally broke..i can no longer open it from the inside or the outside..now imagine how i have to get in the car now...yup i climb over the stick shift..grrr
so i called another friend who was downtown and who Had just emailed about the New Crepe shop Good Girls go to Paris downtown so she met me there!!...OH MY GAWD...its soo good! its on John R just east of Woodward bet the YMCA and Olso...i know the girl who runs it..she is fab.
As i was waiting for gypsy to show up i got hit up ...for money..of course..by a woman who told me she was two months pregnant and had not eatten so i cut her off and told her i would buy her a crepe! she was shocked...then said she needed to get to her sisters and needed bus fare. I told her "NO i will not give you money but i will buy you lunch when my girlfriend shows up" i told her i would be right around the corner at the shop...she never came by. For fucks sake if she ONLY knew how adamant i am about giving money to crack whores or homeless she would have taken me up on that Rare offer for food.
This about this...say they earn 20 dollars a day ..not much but stick with me..and say they 'work' for it for like 5 days a week..yes i am giving them 2 days off. i get two days off.
so $20 times 5 is...$100. times 4 weeks is $400 a month...times 12 months is $4,800 tax free dollars. now call me an insensitive bitch go right fucking ahead. but i Busted my ass to get myself to the not so great paying job shadowed by phat college loans..i am NOT about to fucking support anyone who is not trying to be a better part of society. Pregnant my fucking ass, you were just trying to pull my heart strings and you know what i let you cuz i would have fed your crack whore ass and you know what i still would. but I am damn straight not about to give you a fucking penny you can snort, shoot, drink or swallow into that hallow vessel you choose to abuse. NO fucking way. I give food to the homeless, i often carry bars in my car or give my fruit from my lunch.. i also take homeless warm clothes and blankets in the winter..directly to where they live... the highway underpasses...yea call me muther fucken crazy..but that way i Know they are getting it and the food i give to them.
and i am not braggin about this ...not at all...shit i have only ever told one other person i do that and he almost killed me and made me take him once to 'protect' me or something like that. which i don't really think i need but i let him...these men are grateful and that time of year is coming again...so please go through your warm clothes and blankets and donate them Now...or give them to me so i can drop them off ..cuz the Highway Men are soon to return to the roads we all drive as we head to our jobs, our homes, our clubs and restaurants...most of us don't even notice them but i do everyday.. and i hope from now on you will too..cuz they are there.
so yea back to my post about lunch...I had a chevre, mushroom, red pepper and spinach crepe...and gypsy had a Nutella and strawberry one...oh my.. i was in heaven...hehe i ate some of hers!!
i was full for hours! it was great so i texted my Friday lunch date to see if they could switch to Thursday cuz by that time i realized that i had double booked my lunch dates in my haste to cancel the one i was headed to...lucky for me the original Friday lunch was is totally cool on lunch tomorrow...i get sushi two days in a row as we are headed to Oslo.
today i am having lunch at a diner..it ain't no foreign cuisine for me...but i do get to see a buddy who i have been friends with since high school and its his birthday so i am extra happy about that cuz it don't matter where you eat as long as the company is good!
good life is so fucking good
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May 30th, 2007
11:14 am - a memory prompted through another's
whoa...this is sure stirring up some memories for me. So i read a post today about seeing yourself in the mirror for the very first time...and really seeing yourself look out and realize that you are in a vessel, at least that is how i understood her post.
Her experience was while she was very young. It was much later in life for me...at exactly the time i was gaining my independence from my mother and flexing my role as an adult separate from her despite her wanting nothing to do with my attempts. but I figured I was in college and paying her rent. Which though it was nominal i was doing it because she gave me shit for coming in so late that i would see her leave for work by saying if i planned to be out til all hours the night then I would need to start paying rent if i treated her place like a flop house..OK! Oh course she didn’t expect that she just figured i would start coming in later! eeewrong!
Well the first time i had the mirror experience was once while living there with my mother when my father came to visit on New Years Eve, they were divorced for like the millionth time and for some reason it was a good idea to have a family event..on New fucking Years Eve when i was a sophomore or junior in high school. I had to stay in and spend it with them...well I can tell you that I wanted nothing to do with that. And due to interesting judgment or should i say lack of i decided i would entertain myself that evening. This choice lead to me spending most the night in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror. Which in retrospect I would never recommend doing when are in 'that' state of mind and i feel confident in saying that cuz it took me a few times to learn to never do that again! I don't think I really looked too far in that night..maybe because i incapable of seeing myself in that manner or because i never thought to look very deep.
But a few years after when i was in college like i started to say I had gotten word when i was on vacation in AZ with my mother that my father had cancer that was going to kill him in three months and that i better get my ass home asap. The rents were divorced or separated or whatever so i got the news first hand as my fathers family didn't want to give it my mother..who even though she was not the most compassionate human ever it might have been wise to give it to her for her to give to me but instead it turned out to be a great phone call, the perfect way to ease someone in to a very serious conversation, perfect way not to cause someone huge fear or deep nervousness..nope none of that happened when someone tracked my ass down 2500 miles to tell me the most important person in your life is going to die and made it sound like they are already in the process. Yea a call i will forever cherish for its empathy and concern about how i would take the news!!
so yea i moved out of my mothers place to live with my father the night we landed. Which pissed her off as she started a huge argument with me as i was repacking my things to leave, but she really couldn't complain about the real reason as that would have made her look really bad but she was angry with me for leaving her more than i think about the fact i went to him or pissed that she was not allowed to go...anyways...
While living with my father that summer before he did pass away one night while my aunt who was also living there taking care of my papa went to go play bingo...his temp rose out of control and things started to go bad. I don’t remember if he had had a chemo treatment or radiation that day but it didn’t matter things were going south and very quickly and I had no phucking idea of what to do. But i had to do something, anything and everything in my power to help him..and i remember while i was in the bathroom rinsing and cooling off a wash cloth for like the tenth time I caught my reflection in the mirror and I mean I really caught it for the first time ever and I stopped dead.
I remember looking at the detail of my gray irises and then slipping deep into my pupils. I looked for what felt like an eternity. I looked at my whole life, I prayed deep inside myself to find the strength to help my father, I prayed to God.
I don’t know how long I was there but I remember coming back to this reality when I noticed my own reflection in my pupil that snapped me back. I continued to tend to my father and eventually I got his temperature down and he was able to relax and find comfort and sleep. I have thought about that night over the years, but not until today did I really realize how much that night has had an effect on me.
I remember staring my father so much during that summer hoping I could just burn the image of him in my mind. Hoping to be able to forever have his face and smile and crystal blues looking at me, my hope has not worked. His image slips from me more and more as the years go by and that saddens me to no end. I tried to take pictures of him during that time but I felt wrong doing it. Like I was only doing it to preserve him because I understood he was going to die, but mostly because I understood he knew that was the exact reason I was doing it too. Part of me still respects my choice to do that but another part, the part that is losing him to my memory wishes I had taken as many pictures as possible.
I have never written about my father during his illness nor about the long weekend in the hospital before he passed due to my fear that if I do so I will then lose him completely from my memory because most often when I write I do so to purge from myself so that I can move on. And I guess my fear is that it will happen with him..that I will move on and forget. But at the same time I fear that as my memories fade so will my accounts of that time and esp that weekend. I have a choice to make don’t I? Hm maybe this little memory jog will allow me to get over my fear and begin to write it all out without the fear of not being able to retain it but with the understanding that if I am unable to recall the full memory that I will have it to read and enjoy over and over as well as have something to pass onto my nephews if they ever ask me about the papa they never knew.
Hmm I just remembered that the last Thanksgiving he shared with us someone had a video camera during dinner yet I have never seen what was taped that day. I can imagine my father looking into the camera and sticking out his tongue as he was prone to do to my camera when I was a little girl which always made the little photog annoyed but now makes bring a warm wash over my whole body.
Yes I think I will write!
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